From our trip to Rosario last fall, gray but peaceful....but with some help.
I must say that since I last wrote, I have been lifted up in the prayer, thoughts, and conversations of people close to me, and those I have not even met. The Bible tells us that when two or more are gathered in prayer, great things will happen. (I'm paraphrasing there) =) Well, I have found that to be true this last week, so to my blogger friends, thank you.
Since I last wrote, I went to see my doctor who, after listening to me blubber and sob, trying to think of any other way to overcome this in my life, prescribed me with a little "help". I really didn't want to start it, but after feeling totally "out of my skin" from Friday to Wednesday, I gave in. I tried medication about 2 years ago during the time when I was applying to graduate school. I was on it for about 6 months, but then after I got in and was well on my way, felt great and decided to kick it. After an episode, like I said before, I easily forget how paralyzing it was and move on. Well, this time, I felt inconsolable for 6 days straight, which is the longest I've ever experienced. I tried during that time to really remember exactly how I was feeling so I could relay it to my doctor.
I've wondered before why other people can pray about God taking away a struggle in their life and why it works for them and not for me. I think, like I said before, that God has given me this to bear, and He will bear it WITH me, for as long as He wants me to learn from it. Even though I hate the feelings I get during an attack, when I'm in a time where I can reflect on my struggle, I realize it has actually brought me more good than evil. It has deepened my relationships and conversations, forced me to "be real" with people, especially during an attack, created connections with other people and made them feel comfortable to share their experiences, and has given me a different perspective on life and what is important. It has also forced me to lean on the Lord and reflect on Him in a way I never have. I think we all have something in our lives that gives us that "true" perspective on what truly matters, and for me, it is this.
There's a part of me that didn't want to start medication because of the effect I've experienced before of causing a person to be "emotionless". No highs, no lows. Even though this "thing" I have is terrible, it brings the outpourings above...what if I can't feel? Do I really want my conversations and thoughts to be carried out in the past-tense because of this side effect? This has been my fear, and it has been revealed to me as I write that maybe even the action of swallowing the pill each morning will be a reminder of this struggle and not the end, but simply a part of what I'm doing to contain this enough to carry on a normal life.
I am feeling better already and I praise the Lord for the way He works through these things and allows us to be a part of it. =)
3 comments:
The Lord does in fact use doctors and meds in different seasons. If you were a diabetic, you would need insulin. For a time you might need something that increases brain chemicals you are lacking until you can figure this out. We will continue to pray that God will show you what you need and when.
Still praying for you... and praising God for the mature, godly woman you are becoming.
I get what you're saying, Robin. After I had Makena, I had a really hard time, for lots of reasons. I never really liked to medicate, but it is there for a reason to help us through those harder times. Glad you're feeling better and that you have such an amazing support system. Thanks for your kind words, it's really hard to see her sick and knowing I was unknowingly ignoring it.
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