Moms n' Tots

Our church has a fantastic program called "Moms n' Tots" that meets every other Tuesday. The moms have fellowship time with a delicious spread of food (what church event would be complete without grub, right?), listen to a speaker, and then break into discussion groups to reflect on what the theme of the day is. The kids have their own program and the volunteers who work with them are wonderful.

I was really nervous about leaving Brynn in the nursery since she' such a mama's girl and Moms n' Tots is during her am nap time, so I signed up to help in the nursery on my "off" week- we went last week and she did great, but I was still nervous to leave her for the first time today. I put her down for a nap and walked out of the doors of the nursery, shedding a few tears and listening to the nursery volunteers cheer me on. The time with the other moms was amazing- the woman who spoke was a seasoned mother and truly blessed us all with her words.

I always think it's crazy how the Lord works in our lives- last week I was at a baby shower for a former co-worker and one of the ladies I used to teach with asked if I knew a woman at our church that she used to have as a student- guess who is my discussion group leader for MnT? THAT woman. Also, there's a young mom in our church who has been battling a brain tumor. I've never met her, but I've been praying for her and her family since our local newspaper wrote an article about her. Guess who is is my discussion group? THAT woman. Some people may see these little things as coincidences, but I know better. The Lord is going to be working in me this year and somehow these women will be involved. I can't wait to see what He's planning!

When I returned to the nursery, Brynn was flapping her arms and legs in excitement to see me. She slept for an hour and a half there and the report was that she did great and had fun playing the rest of the time.

I find that with each new step I take in motherhood, I cringe with a bit of anxiety because I wonder how Brynn and I will cope. I feel more confident with each milestone that we pass together and it's never as bad as I anticipate. I know the Lord has much in store for me in this adventure of being a mama and I know some of it will feel easy and some of it will stretch me in ways I didn't know were possible.

Loving this adventure SO much.

New beginnings...

Guess what? We're having a baby...next month. I can say that now because it's January.

Crazy.

This holiday season was wonderful and focused on the most important things in life, faith, family, friends...and can I also add food to that list? Okay, thanks. Food.


This is a year of new beginnings for our family. Life without green carpet, my final 3 weeks teaching begin on Monday, the countdown to baby girl's arrival, and learning what it's like to live with a

very
small
person.


Within the last 2 days, 2 friends have been lost. One, a friend our family has known since childhood, and the other, someone I went to college with.

Life is so fragile- each day is a true gift.

Such a sad way to begin the year, thinking of the families who surround these men that passed away.



As my focus shifts this year towards serving Mark and our baby full-time, and as I think of these families who have lost someone they love, I want to remember each day to be thankful for who and what I have in my life. We have so much that we don't need and all that we have, we don't deserve...yet we serve a God that chooses to bless us with so much anyway.

Why are we so loved?


I have so much more that I'm thinking tonight, but I keep deleting what I write because it all comes out so jumbled.

asdfoiansigubvvriewawe. Like that.

I am excited, nervous, anxious, and so happy about 2010 and all that the Lord has in store for our little family.

Mark is having fun playing with his new camera he bought recently...he's really good and I can't wait for him to have a tiny little model to pose and take pictures of.

That makes me smile.

A weekend in pictures...

I'm on mid-winter break this week (yahoo!) and have been enjoying checking off my to-do list, visiting with friends and family, and in general just loving being in charge of my own time.=) This past weekend we had a great time celebrating V-day and my birthday in Seattle. One of my dear friends got married Saturday morning, so that's what began our festivities. We stayed at the W hotel, a place we've always wanted to try, had a fabulous dinner at Palomino (thanks, mom and dad!), went to the aquarium, walked around Pike Place market, stood in line for what seemed like an hour at the original Starbucks (my americano was definitely worth the wait), watched the man at the Beecher's cheese shop stir a HUGE tub of cheese, and enjoyed great sunny weather the whole time. Ironically, as we drove home, it started to rain.

I feel so blessed to be able to celebrate another birthday. My mom always says that having another year to celebrate IS a reason to celebrate, and we did...with pizza brought by Mark's parents and a delish cake brought by mine...I've never felt more sure of myself, confident in who I am, and content with my life than I am right now. I have the knowledge of Christ as my Savior, a husband who is so amazing it's hard to describe in words, a beautiful house that is much to large for the 2 of us, a job that I love, the ability to have extra money to create goals with...a lot of people don't have half of what I have...and I know it could all be taken away in an instant. The Lord is SO good and I'm overcome with adoration and awe in Him.

Today I'm looking forward to checking a few more things off my list, getting to visit with some of the kiddos I used to nanny and their mama, and excited about bible study tonight! I hope you're all enjoying the day! xo

Continuing the struggle...

From our trip to Rosario last fall, gray but peaceful.

...but with some help.

I must say that since I last wrote, I have been lifted up in the prayer, thoughts, and conversations of people close to me, and those I have not even met. The Bible tells us that when two or more are gathered in prayer, great things will happen. (I'm paraphrasing there) =) Well, I have found that to be true this last week, so to my blogger friends, thank you.

Since I last wrote, I went to see my doctor who, after listening to me blubber and sob, trying to think of any other way to overcome this in my life, prescribed me with a little "help". I really didn't want to start it, but after feeling totally "out of my skin" from Friday to Wednesday, I gave in. I tried medication about 2 years ago during the time when I was applying to graduate school. I was on it for about 6 months, but then after I got in and was well on my way, felt great and decided to kick it. After an episode, like I said before, I easily forget how paralyzing it was and move on. Well, this time, I felt inconsolable for 6 days straight, which is the longest I've ever experienced. I tried during that time to really remember exactly how I was feeling so I could relay it to my doctor.

I've wondered before why other people can pray about God taking away a struggle in their life and why it works for them and not for me. I think, like I said before, that God has given me this to bear, and He will bear it WITH me, for as long as He wants me to learn from it. Even though I hate the feelings I get during an attack, when I'm in a time where I can reflect on my struggle, I realize it has actually brought me more good than evil. It has deepened my relationships and conversations, forced me to "be real" with people, especially during an attack, created connections with other people and made them feel comfortable to share their experiences, and has given me a different perspective on life and what is important. It has also forced me to lean on the Lord and reflect on Him in a way I never have. I think we all have something in our lives that gives us that "true" perspective on what truly matters, and for me, it is this.

There's a part of me that didn't want to start medication because of the effect I've experienced before of causing a person to be "emotionless". No highs, no lows. Even though this "thing" I have is terrible, it brings the outpourings above...what if I can't feel? Do I really want my conversations and thoughts to be carried out in the past-tense because of this side effect? This has been my fear, and it has been revealed to me as I write that maybe even the action of swallowing the pill each morning will be a reminder of this struggle and not the end, but simply a part of what I'm doing to contain this enough to carry on a normal life.

I am feeling better already and I praise the Lord for the way He works through these things and allows us to be a part of it. =)

Not feeling so great...

...but trying to rejoice in this time.

So, without writing forever, I'll say that I've dealt with panic attacks and anxiety for the past 6 years. If you're not familiar with the symptoms, they include heart palpitations, hyperventilating, feeling like you're going to pass out, dizziness, nausea, and basically just feeling sure you're going to die, right now. It's terrible and though I've dealt with this on and off for these years, there's a part of me that's never quite convinced that anxiety is all it really is. (I think that's probably the anxiety talking, since all tests I've ever had have come back normal) I'm not a person that is big into taking prescription drugs if there's another way- I've tried everything else I can think of and these attacks continue to plague me.

What it all boils down to is my human fault of not trusting the Lord at ALL times. When I pray for Him to intervene, I want it down in my time, like right now! What I fail to realize is that there is something to learn from these panic attacks. I feel like the "after" feeling is similar to what my girlfriends have said of childbirth..."once the baby is out, the pain is easily forgotten". After a panic attack, I think "that wasn't so bad, I'm not really going to die, I can get through it on my own". But as soon as it comes back again, the fear is real again. I don't know why I bear this condition, but of course there are so many things that are worse. Unfortunately, I have a job where I can't just take a break, get some fresh air, or lay down. If I did, I'd have 29 4th graders bouncing off the walls!

The point of this post is really just for me to see myself write this reminder: Robin, trust the Lord your God in all times. Good times, times of sadness, and times of stress and confusion. Do not doubt His love for you and that He is with you every step of each day. As it is written in James 1, "consider it a blessing when you face trials of many kinds, for it brings you closer to the Lord your God." He is with you always, you are never alone. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to bring you harm, to give you hope and a future."

((big sigh))

So there is it. I am to consider this trial a blessing. I'll do the best I can. To start, here are 5 things these panic attacks have brought me:
-A realization that I cannot do it alone. The more fervently I pray, the more immediate peace I feel.
-Gratefulness for my husband. The Lord has a master plan indeed, because Mark is so patient, loving, and understanding of me.
-A connection with one of my students who struggles like I do.
-It makes me notice and appreciate simple things like breaths that are easy to take, time spent with friends and family, uninterrupted by anxiety, and the times when I feel really good.
-I am more realistic about the things that are out of my control. What tomorrow brings, how others choose to live their lives, to name a few. Why worry if I can't do anything about it?

I'm grateful for this blog being my "sounding board" today. Thank you all for listening with your eyes. :)

This one's for Auntie Vicki...

My Auntie Vicki is the best! She is so supportive of my career thus far and is such an encouragement to me, so I'm posting this blog to say a public "thank you!" to her...AND also to share some GREAT news!

I HAVE A JOB FOR NEXT YEAR! Yay! I'll be teaching 4th grade at the school where I'm currently working. I'm so excited to know this so soon in the year- now I can prepare and plan with the current 4th grade teacher who's leaving, and also just relax! Usually, first-year teachers get a probationary-type contract their first year, but because I've taught at the school since January, I'm getting a continuing contract, which means I won't have to apply next year- I can just stay in my current position!

This is such an exciting step in my career- who knows how long God will have me in this role, but I do know that I see His work so clearly in my life and am praising Him today and always for being so faithful to me and Mark. Yes, I've worked really hard for this opportunity, but it's by the grace of God that I'm even here and that I've heard His calling to teach!

A long day and sad evening...

Tonight when I returned home after a crazy day at work, I was greeted with a beautiful view out the back door of the skyline at sunset. This house gives us such amazing views of sunsets...all year long- it's such a wonderful scene at the end of a long day and something I always look forward to. You can see that as soon as I walked in the door, I lit a ginger peach candle from Pier 1 (as always) poured myself a glass of pino grigio (is it illegal to talk about drinking wine on the Internet? I'm so new to this blog thing) and tried to catch up on emails. My friend Mara called and wondered if I'd heard about Heath Ledger...I said no. She said he died today. I was immediately heartbroken, for his life, for his family and friends. It doesn't matter that I never met him- there's something about movie stars that always intrigues me...I want them to strive for and have normal lives. I want them to raise children in privacy, and most of all, I don't want them to succumb to the same tragedy that so many of them (the rest of the world, too) end up facing- death too young. Now as I say this, I'm also thinking. "what's wrong with me?" Here I am mourning a rich movie star who had everything, when there are so many people in the world dying each day of starvation, neglect, curable and non-curable disease...but then, the movie stars are constantly in front of me on TV, in magazines, on the Internet...maybe that is the problem...but hasn't that always been the problem? The people who really need help aren't shown to us, and so then we end up empathizing with who the media wants us to empathize for- the famous.

At the end of the day, I hurt ANY time I hear of people hurting, dying too young, and being affected by tragedy...today I am sad for Heath Ledger's family, friends...his 2-year old daughter...it's just awful.

On another note, I am so thankful for my new job and seeing the way God works in my life in so many ways. Today, there was a girl from the Ukraine (her first day at school was Friday) who speaks no English. She is the most beautiful little 2nd grader and such a sweet soul. God reminded me today that music IS the universal language....here is this little lady who has no clue what anyone is saying to her all day long, but I'm able to pat out rhythms with her, she's able to do dance steps to music, and able to learn words to the music (she doesn't care that she doesn't know what they mean!)....this little girl brought me so much joy today and taught me that every kid has something to contribute. Now if I can just work on those naughty, inappropriate 1st grade boys who frustrate me to no end- even after being there for only 2 days!

God bless you all...I wonder who reads this? :)