Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Not feeling so great...

...but trying to rejoice in this time.

So, without writing forever, I'll say that I've dealt with panic attacks and anxiety for the past 6 years. If you're not familiar with the symptoms, they include heart palpitations, hyperventilating, feeling like you're going to pass out, dizziness, nausea, and basically just feeling sure you're going to die, right now. It's terrible and though I've dealt with this on and off for these years, there's a part of me that's never quite convinced that anxiety is all it really is. (I think that's probably the anxiety talking, since all tests I've ever had have come back normal) I'm not a person that is big into taking prescription drugs if there's another way- I've tried everything else I can think of and these attacks continue to plague me.

What it all boils down to is my human fault of not trusting the Lord at ALL times. When I pray for Him to intervene, I want it down in my time, like right now! What I fail to realize is that there is something to learn from these panic attacks. I feel like the "after" feeling is similar to what my girlfriends have said of childbirth..."once the baby is out, the pain is easily forgotten". After a panic attack, I think "that wasn't so bad, I'm not really going to die, I can get through it on my own". But as soon as it comes back again, the fear is real again. I don't know why I bear this condition, but of course there are so many things that are worse. Unfortunately, I have a job where I can't just take a break, get some fresh air, or lay down. If I did, I'd have 29 4th graders bouncing off the walls!

The point of this post is really just for me to see myself write this reminder: Robin, trust the Lord your God in all times. Good times, times of sadness, and times of stress and confusion. Do not doubt His love for you and that He is with you every step of each day. As it is written in James 1, "consider it a blessing when you face trials of many kinds, for it brings you closer to the Lord your God." He is with you always, you are never alone. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to bring you harm, to give you hope and a future."

((big sigh))

So there is it. I am to consider this trial a blessing. I'll do the best I can. To start, here are 5 things these panic attacks have brought me:
-A realization that I cannot do it alone. The more fervently I pray, the more immediate peace I feel.
-Gratefulness for my husband. The Lord has a master plan indeed, because Mark is so patient, loving, and understanding of me.
-A connection with one of my students who struggles like I do.
-It makes me notice and appreciate simple things like breaths that are easy to take, time spent with friends and family, uninterrupted by anxiety, and the times when I feel really good.
-I am more realistic about the things that are out of my control. What tomorrow brings, how others choose to live their lives, to name a few. Why worry if I can't do anything about it?

I'm grateful for this blog being my "sounding board" today. Thank you all for listening with your eyes. :)

12 comments:

Doreen T. said...

Robin:
I will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you in prayer. I've put you on my prayer list and will commit to praying for you each morning (until you tell me that you no longer struggle with the panic attacks).
Doreen

J Yo said...

Thank you so much for being courageous enough to reveal this struggle in your life and how God is big enough to overcome this with you. I'll pray... :)

Sara said...

I thought about this for a good part of last night, slept, then thought about it again after waking up. I'm not much into prayer, but I do understand how this can feel at your job. This is the word I focus on to get me through the hard days: permission. Give yourself permission to embrace the stress of your job because that won't change. Give yourself permission to walk away at 4:00 everyday knowing it's okay the work isn't finished because it never will be. Give yourself permission to know that only you know what you want to present to the students and that they don't know if you didn't achieve or did achieve what you wanted to. Most of all, give yourself permission to spiral the information for the students for they all won't get it at the same time and you can't spend your time teaching to mastery, that will suck all your energy. I read the Celestine Prophecy and it really helped me to understand energy fields and how we interact with other people's energy. If you have time, I highly reccommend the read. You're doing great Robin and your students are SO lucky to have you,someone who cares so much about them, to be their teacher. It's a very hard but rewarding job.

Stacy K said...

Robin,
I will be praying along with Doreen. As woman, we face many fears and I love that you are turning to the Lord for strength and looking at the blessings that come with trials.
Have you ever read " Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety" by Elyse Fitzpatrick? I would be more than happy to share. Great insights.

Robin said...

Sara- Thank you for your thoughts. It's hard to embrace the fact that the work will never be done, but I do agree that is a concept I need to begin to experience. I really appreciate your advice as a seasoned teacher, and a cousin! :)

Stacy- Thank you. It really means so much to me to know that I'm being lifted up in prayer. I have not read that book, but would love to. Elizabeth S. says she and you get together from time to time and I told her I'd LOVE to come along and see you sometime! I have such great memories of spending time with you in high school, and it's been so fun to connect with Christy and Jessica, who I always heard about in high school, but never met til recently!

tiffany jeanne said...

Robin,
I wanted to thank you for the encouraging words on my blog. I really appreciate it! It's amazing to have people to call friends that you haven't even met in person!!!! I wanted to respond to this sooner, but this is the soonest I could get to it. I, too, struggle with anxiety. Alot of it sometimes and often for no reason. The worst it was was when I was getting ready to come back to work after maternity leave with Avery. I could not stop obsessing and worrying and feeling sick over it. Then one day, when I was sick of the way I felt...I prayed and asked the Lord to just take it. And I committed to praying about it each time those feelings crept into my mind and over took my body and affected my relationships. You could say I prayed a lot for several days straight (and cried even more!!!). And then all of the sudden I realized I felt clarity and peace about it and the Lord helped me to realize that not just my baby needed me...but that other babies at work needed me too, just in different ways. It was still hard but I didn't really have that anxious, sick, nagging, sleepless feeling I'd had before. God is good and will guide you through this. In the meantime, I'll pray for you, too! Stay strong and sweet! Tiffany

Rebekah said...

Robin, I am so so sorry to hear about your anxiety and panic attacks. Very crazy that we were both blogging about James this week but God totally has a way of encouraging us through each other - thank you for sharing your struggles.
I am wondering what else might help you during this time. I would love to talk more personally with you if you are ever interested you can email me (rebagough at hotmail) I have a very incredible counselor who is gifted in healing and anxiety disorders and I can tell you from experience that sometimes a little medication can also be a big relief as well.
I hope that you continue to find comfort and peace during this time. you are in my prayers.

Stacy K said...

It has been fun spending time with Elizabeth and would enjoy seeing you again. Email me so we can set up a time.

Stacy K said...

stacykeen@hotmail.com

Sara said...

This will be your hardest year, I promise it will be better next. Just keep a really good lesson plan this year so you can lean on them for next year. Laminate anyting you can now so you don't have to rewrite or do again next year. There are some who think I laminate too much, but I don't care. Less work for me in the long run.
Your friend hit the nail on the head though; just wait till you come back from having a baby. Wow. Everything in your life changes. We chatted about this before, I had to go back full time which was hard as hell, but managable. Family came first, then my job. I taught what I was required to teach, leaned heavily on parent help and student help and we got through it together. I still use a lot of parent help this year because I can't spend that much time before or after due to dropping and picking up Sis from daycare. Life sure can feel like a shook up snow globe sometimes!!!

Sara said...

Forgot to say. Melissa wrote on my facebook page that she will be over on our side of the mountains after Christmas. Let's plan to get together :)

Robin said...

Wow. Thanks everyone for your kind words and prayers. I never knew how blessed I'd be with this little blog community.

Tiffany- I remember reading your blog after Avery was born and being heart-broken at the struggle you had. I was so thankful that you "put it out there" for others to read, for I took comfort in hearing about what I, too, might someday face. Thank you for your advice.

Sara- Your words echo what I hear around school from other experienced teachers! I am definitely organizing things now so I won't have to do it again next fall!

Rebekah- Did I tell you before that I roomed with Kristen at SPU? Can't remember, but wanted you to know that I do have a connection with someone in your life. :) I will email you, for sure and would love to hear more about your counselor.