Continuing the struggle...

From our trip to Rosario last fall, gray but peaceful.

...but with some help.

I must say that since I last wrote, I have been lifted up in the prayer, thoughts, and conversations of people close to me, and those I have not even met. The Bible tells us that when two or more are gathered in prayer, great things will happen. (I'm paraphrasing there) =) Well, I have found that to be true this last week, so to my blogger friends, thank you.

Since I last wrote, I went to see my doctor who, after listening to me blubber and sob, trying to think of any other way to overcome this in my life, prescribed me with a little "help". I really didn't want to start it, but after feeling totally "out of my skin" from Friday to Wednesday, I gave in. I tried medication about 2 years ago during the time when I was applying to graduate school. I was on it for about 6 months, but then after I got in and was well on my way, felt great and decided to kick it. After an episode, like I said before, I easily forget how paralyzing it was and move on. Well, this time, I felt inconsolable for 6 days straight, which is the longest I've ever experienced. I tried during that time to really remember exactly how I was feeling so I could relay it to my doctor.

I've wondered before why other people can pray about God taking away a struggle in their life and why it works for them and not for me. I think, like I said before, that God has given me this to bear, and He will bear it WITH me, for as long as He wants me to learn from it. Even though I hate the feelings I get during an attack, when I'm in a time where I can reflect on my struggle, I realize it has actually brought me more good than evil. It has deepened my relationships and conversations, forced me to "be real" with people, especially during an attack, created connections with other people and made them feel comfortable to share their experiences, and has given me a different perspective on life and what is important. It has also forced me to lean on the Lord and reflect on Him in a way I never have. I think we all have something in our lives that gives us that "true" perspective on what truly matters, and for me, it is this.

There's a part of me that didn't want to start medication because of the effect I've experienced before of causing a person to be "emotionless". No highs, no lows. Even though this "thing" I have is terrible, it brings the outpourings above...what if I can't feel? Do I really want my conversations and thoughts to be carried out in the past-tense because of this side effect? This has been my fear, and it has been revealed to me as I write that maybe even the action of swallowing the pill each morning will be a reminder of this struggle and not the end, but simply a part of what I'm doing to contain this enough to carry on a normal life.

I am feeling better already and I praise the Lord for the way He works through these things and allows us to be a part of it. =)

Not feeling so great...

...but trying to rejoice in this time.

So, without writing forever, I'll say that I've dealt with panic attacks and anxiety for the past 6 years. If you're not familiar with the symptoms, they include heart palpitations, hyperventilating, feeling like you're going to pass out, dizziness, nausea, and basically just feeling sure you're going to die, right now. It's terrible and though I've dealt with this on and off for these years, there's a part of me that's never quite convinced that anxiety is all it really is. (I think that's probably the anxiety talking, since all tests I've ever had have come back normal) I'm not a person that is big into taking prescription drugs if there's another way- I've tried everything else I can think of and these attacks continue to plague me.

What it all boils down to is my human fault of not trusting the Lord at ALL times. When I pray for Him to intervene, I want it down in my time, like right now! What I fail to realize is that there is something to learn from these panic attacks. I feel like the "after" feeling is similar to what my girlfriends have said of childbirth..."once the baby is out, the pain is easily forgotten". After a panic attack, I think "that wasn't so bad, I'm not really going to die, I can get through it on my own". But as soon as it comes back again, the fear is real again. I don't know why I bear this condition, but of course there are so many things that are worse. Unfortunately, I have a job where I can't just take a break, get some fresh air, or lay down. If I did, I'd have 29 4th graders bouncing off the walls!

The point of this post is really just for me to see myself write this reminder: Robin, trust the Lord your God in all times. Good times, times of sadness, and times of stress and confusion. Do not doubt His love for you and that He is with you every step of each day. As it is written in James 1, "consider it a blessing when you face trials of many kinds, for it brings you closer to the Lord your God." He is with you always, you are never alone. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to bring you harm, to give you hope and a future."

((big sigh))

So there is it. I am to consider this trial a blessing. I'll do the best I can. To start, here are 5 things these panic attacks have brought me:
-A realization that I cannot do it alone. The more fervently I pray, the more immediate peace I feel.
-Gratefulness for my husband. The Lord has a master plan indeed, because Mark is so patient, loving, and understanding of me.
-A connection with one of my students who struggles like I do.
-It makes me notice and appreciate simple things like breaths that are easy to take, time spent with friends and family, uninterrupted by anxiety, and the times when I feel really good.
-I am more realistic about the things that are out of my control. What tomorrow brings, how others choose to live their lives, to name a few. Why worry if I can't do anything about it?

I'm grateful for this blog being my "sounding board" today. Thank you all for listening with your eyes. :)

What I've been up to (list format)

I've decided lists are more efficient sometimes, so here we go:

This weekend/last week I...
-Freaked out about getting a sub for the first time.
-Stayed at school til 10pm on Wednesday to make sub plans for 3 days while thinking to myself, "there's no way I could do this with kids at home".
-Drove to Oregon on Thursday with Mark and my in-laws.
-Drove to California on Friday and met my uncle Bob on the way at a rest stop on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere (it doesn't take much to impress him) :)
-Went to a really fun rehearsal dinner and ate delicious walnut prawns with Mark's extended family, who are SO much fun!
-Thought about how full my school email inbox probably is.
-Enjoyed a fabulous time hanging out with Mark's family and attending a wedding for one of his cousins.
-Had a bbq in 80 degree weather.
-Wanted to see the Tangens while we were there, but ran out of time. After experiencing the 80 degree weather in October, understood why they moved there.
-Decided to fly home Sunday night so we could spend more time with family instead of taking Sunday and Monday to drive home.
-Endured a smooth flight. (I don't appreciate flying...at all.)
-Since we came home on Sunday and I still had a sub for today, got to hang out at home- bonus!
-After pacing for a while, deciding whether or not to open my school email, I did it and realized why I didn't want to.
-Went to Starbucks and Ikea with Mark to look at kitchen cabinets- if only I didn't have a job, Ikea is a great place to hang out on a Monday!
-Did lots of laundry.
-Looked at photos from our trip. I'll post more later so you all can see how the Pearsons party.
-Now enjoying a cup of tea (I practiced my british accent all weekend) before heading to bed early.
-Browsing blogs and seeing that so many of you have been to the pumpkin patch- fun!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Something worth blogging about!

The last few weeks have been busy, for sure. And it took me a while to get over my heart-break of not being pregnant. :( About that, I know it's all in God's timing- Mark and I are doing everything we can this year to prepare our home, finances, and hearts for a child and I look ahead with anticipation of what is to come very soon for us. (hopefully)

School is awesome. I have such a great class and I can't believe we're almost to November! That means parent conferences and report cards are looming, but I'm excited to experience it all since this is my first year with it! (can you say "naive"?)

We're going to California for a wedding next week. Mark's parents rented a minivan, so we'll be driving...and I'll be cracked up (or down, depending on how you look at it) on Dramamine the whole way! I'm looking forward to the break from school and time with extended family- but NOT looking forward to making sub plans for 3 days- blech!

So...for the "something" worth blogging about- if you've followed my humble blog for a while, you know that we are embarking on a rather large remodel this next year and plan to do it without financing a dime, so we have a lot to save for! I went to the Tacoma Home Show with my parents last week and entered a drawing for granite countertops...

my mom said to me, as I filled out the form, "Robin, you should write 'pick me!' on the form so they know to make the right choice!" Well, it was a funny joke, but guess what?

WE WON! Whoohoo!

We won a credit towards the material/installation that pretty much (from my calculations) covers the whole deal! We are going to look at the showroom this weekend and peruse what they have to offer. This is such a motivation for us because we've lived in this house over a year and haven't put ANY of our personal stamp on the place. I love to decorate and Mark and I enjoy collaborating on these projects. He, being a graphic designer, has such a great eye for color and form and I feel like we really "got it right" with our condo that we remodeled. We're anxious, but so very thankful to the Lord for providing us with such an amazing home to raise our children and host our friends and family in...we see this as a blessing from Him to keep us motivated towards our goals in the next year.

In other news, my hair from a few weeks ago turned out great. :) More of a natural look than what I've previously had going, but I'm having this inner-struggle about my hair and getting pregnant and the chemicals/money used to keep it up.

Did you moms worry about hair color when you were pregnant?

It would take a while to get my hair back to the natural state because I'm much lighter now than my roots are. For now, I'm happy with it. The new lady is great and she charges less, which is REALLY great! I know you've all been waiting for an update on that situation. :)

And lastly, I'm just so thankful for this little blog community. It's so fun to keep in touch with my family and friends that have blogs, and also it's been so great to "meet" new faces and hear the challenges and joys that others out there are experiencing...I love to check up on everyone and feel so encouraged by many of the words you all write. I think my brain is so shriveled by the end of the day that any of my deeper thoughts worth blogging about get lost in my thoughts of "where are my sweats?" and "was that my second or third glass of wine?" (actually, that last thought only occurs on a REALLY bad day!). But thanks anyway for checking in on me- you girls are great!

Found out yesterday...

...That I'm not pregnant. :( Last time I saw Aunt Flo was July 24th. After a blood test, it's been confirmed.

So...

I'm going to have a glass of wine. :)

When the hubby is away...

I play!

Mark is away at "Man's Weekend", which began Thursday and will go til tomorrow. My poor brother, who broke his leg and had to have surgery on Thursday, will be surrounded by all his "man friends", doing all the things that men do best. :)

Yesterday, after being at work until almost 8pm, I had a very exciting evening. Here's what I did:
- ate leftovers
- played with my new label-maker (don't be a hater)
- baked cookies
- went to bed at 10

Now, I'm enjoying a cup of freshly brewed coffee (btw, I've noticed that all bloggers seem to love a fresh cup of coffee) and then I'm off in a bit to get my hair colored and have lunch/go shopping with my dad. :)

I'm trying out a new salon and I'm a bit nervous. Is it appropriate to ask for prayer for my hair?

After that, I'm probably come home and scrub toilets this afternoon. I know, thrilling. Ever since school started, it's been so crazy during the week that I forget to make plans for the weekend- I need to work on that because I don't want my friends to think I'm lame.

Sunday I'll go to church and then meet up with Mark for his dad's birthday celebration.

I hope everyone enjoys a wonderful weekend! I'll post pictures of my new 'do later!

Probably only 3 of you will care about this... =)

...But, after seeing blogger friends talking about missing episodes of "The Hills", I have to tell you that I now exclusively watch it online. It's only, like, a 20 minute commitment because there's only 1 commercial during breaks instead of 3 or 4. And the best part? Because it runs on "Eastern" time, the show is available to watch at 7pm on the MTV website instead of 10pm on tv!

I know, I know, you're thinking, "Robin, why do watch that terrible trash-of-a-show?!" The answer is that I really don't know...it's like a black hole- I get sucked in every time. It's so bad that it's actually to the point where it's like a chore I do on Monday night...I was almost MAD when I noticed this Monday night that 2 episodes were posted- I was so excited to go to bed because I was exhausted...but NO, I had to watch 2 episodes of "The Hills" before then.

So, that's all. Pretty lame, I know...but like I said, about 3 of you will care. =)