...but trying to rejoice in this time.
So, without writing forever, I'll say that I've dealt with panic attacks and anxiety for the past 6 years. If you're not familiar with the symptoms, they include heart
palpitations, hyperventilating, feeling like you're going to pass out, dizziness, nausea, and basically just feeling sure you're going to die, right now. It's terrible and though I've dealt with this on and off for these years, there's a part of me that's never quite convinced that anxiety is all it really is. (I think that's probably the anxiety talking, since all tests I've ever had have come back normal) I'm not a person that is big into taking prescription drugs if there's another way- I've tried everything else I can think of and these attacks continue to plague me.
What it all boils down to is my human fault of not trusting the Lord at ALL times. When I pray for Him to intervene, I want it down in my time, like right now! What I fail to realize is that there is something to learn from these panic attacks. I feel like the "after" feeling is similar to what my girlfriends have said of childbirth..."once the baby is out, the pain is easily forgotten". After a panic attack, I think "that wasn't so bad, I'm not really going to die, I can get through it on my own". But as soon as it comes back again, the fear is real again. I don't know why I bear this condition, but of course there are so many things that are worse. Unfortunately, I have a job where I can't just take a break, get some fresh air, or lay down. If I did, I'd have 29 4th graders bouncing off the walls!
The point of this post is really just for me to see myself write this reminder: Robin, trust the Lord your God in all times. Good times, times of sadness, and times of stress and confusion. Do not doubt His love for you and that He is with you every step of each day. As it is written in James 1, "consider it a blessing when you face trials of many kinds, for it brings you closer to the Lord your God." He is with you always, you are never alone. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to bring you harm, to give you hope and a future."
((big sigh))
So there is it. I am to consider this trial a blessing. I'll do the best I can. To start, here are 5 things these panic attacks have brought me:
-A realization that I cannot do it alone. The more fervently I pray, the more immediate peace I feel.
-Gratefulness for my husband. The Lord has a master plan indeed, because Mark is so patient, loving, and understanding of me.
-A connection with one of my students who struggles like I do.
-It makes me notice and appreciate simple things like breaths that are easy to take, time spent with friends and family, uninterrupted by anxiety, and the times when I feel really good.
-I am more realistic about the things that are out of my control. What tomorrow brings, how others choose to live their lives, to name a few. Why worry if I can't do anything about it?
I'm grateful for this blog being my "sounding board" today. Thank you all for listening with your eyes. :)